The Happy Engineer

NOW HEAR THIS

I'm moving my blog over to Live Journal. It has better features. If you read my journal, please update your bookmarks.

http://happyengineer.livejournal.com/

I'll be shutting this blog down in a few months -- if I can figure out how to do that.

THAT IS ALL

Oh, by the way, I'm emotionally much better. And I'm not on drugs -- hooray! :-)

SO HOW IS STEVE DOING?

Well, if you've been reading you know I've been moody. I went off my anti-depressants because I thought they might have been screwing me up on some other fronts, including my sleep patterns and my weight gain. I've been keeping a "mood diary" to track how I've been feeling.

Up until now it was okay. Not great but not terrible. But this week has been just rotten. Quitting my job is all I can think about sometimes, just to get refuge from the negative thoughts. But I don't want to quit. Sure I could go work at Starbucks -- my own personal fantasy -- but I suspect the comedown would be difficult for me, and when you come right down to it, I don't like working with the public very much. :-)

My employer is very happy with me. They tell me that frequently and believably. I'm not happy with me, but that's the issue, the result of my anxiety disorder. And I don't want to go back on the pills. Catch 22.

I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow and make an appointment. And my counselor says she's versed in cognitive behavioral therapy. I want to focus there. I think there are benefits.

Oh, and we say BREACH tonight with the movie bears. Very good movie! Oscars next year?

Today I had a massive and satisfying pity party for myself. Yea me. I'm so down-trodden.

Setbacks at work. Eric and I arguing. Blah blah blah. Literally, at one point, I couldn't believe what happened. It was like a fucking movie, something emotionally obvious, like from Tom Hanks' career. Today is the day they celebrate all of the February birthdays. They set up for the cake right in front of my office. There's a full glass wall separating me from the cake and everyone gathering for forced merriment. No, wait, it gets better. Of course, one doesn't have cake with a pity party, so I shun the whole thing. Got too much work to do -- haven't you people been paying attention!? Then my phone rings and it's Eric. He's worried about me, since 20 minutes before I had e-mailed him the lyrics to "NUMB" by the Pet Shop Boys with the subject line: WORDS TO LIVE BY. And just as all the office automatons start singing "Happy Birthday" he says to me: "Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay!" My voice is breaking and I'm sure he can hear singing in the background. "I've got no refuge at home and no refuge at the office! And these people are having a fucking party right in front of me."

So, the day got better, more of less because it couldn't have gotten worse without the words "audit" or "ebola" being involved. I made myself a big pot of comforting, delicious soup when I got home and Eric more or less apologized for everything he said over the last two weeks. (Gross oversimplification here, but hey, it's my blog.)

Can't wait for Tuesday.

Eric did these amazing before and after pictures of our renovation project. He took shots of the model and then composited them against actual photos of the site. Kick ass!




Click on them to see larger.

Oh my god, yesterday I was so sick. I woke up feeling achey with diarrhea. By 10 AM I had terrible stomach pain. I went back and forth between the couch and the bed, hoping for comfort and rest and never quite getting it. I'm much better today, though I'm still weak.

Eric and I worked out our differences Sunday morning. I wasn't listening, but he wasn't listening more. We instituted the "argument bear". When we're fighting, you need to be holding the argument bear to speak. This lets each of us get out complete thoughts. He's tried to be more supportive in the last two days. He means it sarcastically, but I'm telling him that's exactly what I need.

I visited my doctor Monday afternoon. A week or so ago, I'd had some blood tests done to see if I was still fighting an infection. Ever since Christmas I've had fatigue and coughing, often feel feverish but without a measurable fever. The tests came back negative, so no mono (though they told me I'd had it in the past, which I completely don't remember), no hepatitus, no bacterial infection, no HIV (I'd hate to fail that test). We did one more test (really icky, I won't go into it here), so we'll see if that tells us something useful.

Eric and I had a huge fight last night. The go-to-bed-without-saying-goodnight kind, not the door-slamming kind. I told him that I could use his help in my struggles with weight, that I could use a cheerleader. He interprets that as me wanting him to take on all responsibility for my behavior. He doesn't understand why it's difficult for me to use food or caffeine in moderation, since he has no problem with that.

I guess I'm growing up. After several years of counseling I now understand I have emotional needs, that they're valid and reasonable, and last night I expressed some. Doesn't mean I'm going to have my needs met, though.

He was out of the house before I woke up this morning, off for his walk on the beach. We shared a chilly few minutes before he headed out to work, where he spent the whole day. Came home around 8 PM and didn't say hello to me. Now we're sitting in different rooms, not speaking.

Show some fucking sensitivity, Eric. We've only been together 12 years.

OVEREATERS ANONYMOUS

A week or so ago, a friend suggested I check out overeaters anonymous and the local gay and lesbian community center. This friend has been in recovery for the past year, suffering from (getting over?) crystal meth additiction. I went to my first meeting tonight. Interesting and I think there's value in it. I plan to go back next week.

There's so much I could say about the whole 12-step concept, but I'll leave that for later blog posts. Suffice to say I had a new experience tonight, and it was positive.

Hey, everybody, did you hear? Ted Haggard is straight now! Isn't that awesome!?

Fucking retards.

I had a strange experience tonight -- a breakthrough crying jag in my car. I want to write about it while it's still fresh in my mind, even if I don't completely understand it.

I'm driving back from my counseling session. Good session but nothing deep. Work is taxing but I feel like I'm dealing with it better, with help. No real reason to be emotional.

I'm listening to Ben Folds, the final song on ROCKIN' THE SUBURBS. It's a very pretty song called "The Luckiest", sung from the perspective of a man who's found the love of his life. He's happy with who he is, where he is, and he looks fondly toward growing old with his beloved. Opening lyrics:

I don't get many things right the first time
in fact, I am told that a lot
now I know all the wrong turns,
the stumbles and the falls brought me here

And I just choke up and start crying. Right there at the corner of Commercial and Dixie I'm crying, tears running down my cheeks. I park and sit listening to the end of the song, and when I get home I cry all over again describing it to Eric. We hold each other and we both have the sniffles.

It's that line about the wrong turns and the stumbles. Sure they feel that way but they still brought me here, to this life I love, to the man I love, the career that engages me, my friends and family and large pushy dogs and Jesus Christ it's all just so wonderful I can't understand why I'm ever unhappy with anything.

I've beat myself up so much in my life. For years too many to count I've cursed myself and berated myself for every mistake and wrong turn I've ever made. Sure it made me accomplish things but it fucking HURT. It hurt a lot. And I think I started bawling right there because Ben Folds got past my defenses and made me realize that all that pain was unnecessary, because they WEREN'T wrong turns.

They brought me here.

And I can let that pain go.

Our friends Kevin and Kent created a photo album of our cruise experience. There are several shots of me and Eric in here.

This is the best one.

BLOGGING ON COUGH SYRUP

I've had this on-again/off-again cold ever since Christmas. A few weeks back it got on my nerves so bad that I went to the doc and got some medicine: antibiotics, anti-histamine and some industrial strength cough syrup (with hydrocodone -- hooray!). I had a big swig of the cough medicine earlier tonight, the cough bothering me. I took the whole program of antibiotics but they didn't help, so it's obviously viral, but it was worth the try.

Eric gets back tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to having him home. It's good to be apart now and then but it's better together.

I had good days earlier in the week but I was a bit depressed today. Just the endless treadmill of work, my inability to wring satisfaction from my job some days. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow.

Eric is off on his yearly ski vacation this week, so I'm all alone. Waaaaah! Put him on the plane on Saturday.

I'm doing okay, actually. Was feeling kinda blue yesterday but was able to work through it.

Met with my psychiatrist earlier today. We're going to try going off my meds. I want to know if I still need to take them. I picked up a journal to record my daily mood, so I'll collect some data. He suggested I give it two months and then make another appointment.

Also, got home from work today and found blood on the floor. Didn't know which dog it was from, but when Zoe jumped up on me I had my answer. Took her to the vet real quick but I could tell it was probably no big deal. She hurt her paw where the back pad (metatarcel?) is. It's bandaged now in bright pink vet wrap. :-)

Went to the Doc this morning and got some drugs to deal with this cough that won't go away.

No more Mr. Nice Guy. . .

Yes, I'm still alive.

I had the flu the week after Christmas. That sucked. I was still coughing well through New Year's and into last week. Eric had the same creeping crud, so it was all-around miserable here.

I've digested the YOU ON A DIET book. A good one -- particularly the stuff on brain chemistry and its effect on eating. These are the very same chemicals I've been altering with my anti-depressants. I've made headway in incorporating some of the suggestions into my routine.

Unfortunately, there isn't much "routine" in my life right now. Last Thursday Eric and I left on a 2-day cruise. We've never been on a cruise before, despite living in Florida for 10 years now. This trip was set up by our good friends Kevin and Kent, and we agreed to it last summer. There were 17 in the group -- 15 gay men and one straight couple. I really enjoyed it: worked out both days and didn't eat too much. Thursday night, Eric and I bought rings at the jewelry shop on the boat. We've wanted them for years but it just never rose to the top of our lists. The rings we bought are titanium -- very minimalist, very "engineer". We considered exchanging them in front of our friends, but when folks scattered after dinner, we decided to just do it ourselves. We went to the aft deck. The moon was nearly full. The water was beautiful. The deck was empty except for us. I slipped the ring on his right hand. He slipped the ring on my left had. We talked about how much we meant to each other. Got a little misty there.

Back home on Saturday and I felt completely worn out. I blamed that on lack of sleep the night before and all the rich food and alcohol. Then Sunday I STILL felt worn out. Woke up this morning and I was officially sick. Took the day off work to relax.

I just need a normal week. I don't want to go anywhere for a long time.

Dinner with friends last night. We had Dick and Fred over for pizza. It's been a long time since I made pizza, and I should do it more often. It was delicious.

Afterward, Eric and I headed out to Herbie and Wayne's place for New Year's party. Very nice and I did a good job of staying away from the food, just having some dessert after midnight.

This damn cough won't go away. Still have chesst congestion. :-(

I'll go into work for several hours today to get ready for tomorrow. Want to get to the gym and put in a appearance at Kevin and Kent's after New Years Recover party.

HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all!

Here's my weight profile for 2006.



As you can see, things really started to go wrong in May. As I recall, that's about the time my job started to get extra stressful. I was also self-medicating with alcohol.

Recovering from my Yule Flue today. I took the day off of work, and my crappy energy level affirmed that that was the right decision. Even Eric -- He Who Refuses To Give Into Illness -- came home from work early, obliterated.

I did make it out to Barnes and Noble this morning to spend a gift certificate (thanks Char and Dave!). I bought Presto by Rush (I was in that mood) and YOU on a Diet. A co-worker was reading it and I was intrigued by its approach. I also love books about diet and the physiological effects of food -- it's a favorite genre to me. This book won't change my life any more that the countless others have, but it's one more piece of the puzzle. The material about digestion and inflammation, in particular, is new to me.

Off to work tomorrow. I have a brutal two day work week. :-)

Santa brought me the flu for Christmas. I'm angry with you right now, Santa.

Sitting here on Tuesday evening I'm feeling much better. I attribut this to sleeping much of the day and the mug of theraflu I just had.

On Friday of last week, Eric and I flew up to Columbus to spend Chrsitmas with his family. I like his family a lot. They make me feel welcome. It's important for his Mom in particular to have the family gathered around for Christmas, and they include me in that definition of family, so I'm very grateful.

I ate more Christmas cookies than I want to think about. My pancreas is exhausted and I felt run-down and crappy much of the time. I'm sure this contributed to my getting sick so quickly and thoroughly. It came on like a ton of bricks last night. For a while there I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to travel this morning. I had shivering fits.

Rest and fluids.

Back when we lived in Orlando, I used to keep a few boxes of CD's in the attic. These were disks that I didn't listen to that often and from which I had ripped the best tracks into my computer. We were running out of space to display our (admittedly huge) collection of CD's, so I put these away to save room.

Problem: when we moved to south Florida, these disks never showed up.

Now, when it comes to some of these disks I'm not too heartbroken. I can live without replacing my copy of Smash Alternatives or Letters to Cleo. However, it grates that I lost, say, Alphaville's _The Breathtaking Blue_, or _1965_ by The Afghan Whigs.

This is where you come in. I picked up much of my musical taste from friends, so I know somewhere out there all this stuff is duplicated. Yes, even Letters to Cleo. So if you see something on this list that happens to be in your music collection, could you see your way to send me mp3's of the whole album? Please take a look and let me know.

A Flock of Seagulls -- The Best Of A Flock Of Seagulls
ABC -- How To Be A...Zillionaire!
Ace Of Base -- Beautiful Life (Single)
A-Ha -- Memorial Beach
A-Ha -- Scoundrel Days
Alphaville -- The Breathtaking Blue
Andrew Lloyd Webber -- The Phantom of the Opera
Asia -- Anthologia [Disc 1]: The 20th Anniversary/Geffen Years Collection (1982-1990)
Asia -- Anthologia [Disc 2]: The 20th Anniversary/Geffen Years Collection (1982-1990)
Banderas -- Ripe
Bloodhound Gang -- Hooray For Boobies
Camouflage -- Camouflage
Cheb Kader -- From Oran To Paris
Chris Isaak -- San Francisco Days
Cock Robin -- Cock Robin
Concrete Blonde -- Bloodletting
Counting Crows -- Recovering The Satellites
Crowded House -- Woodface
David Bowie -- Never Let Me Down
De La Soul -- De La Soul Is Dead
Dead Or Alive -- Sophisticated Boom Boom
Depeche Mode -- Enjoy the Silence (Single)
Dishwalla -- Pet Your Friends
Don Henley -- Actual Miles
Don Henley -- Inside Job
Duncan Sheik -- Humming
Edie Brickell -- Picture Perfect Morning
Electric Light Orchestra -- Time
Faith No More -- King for a Day, Fool for a Lifetime
Finn Brothers -- Finn
Gorillaz -- Gorillaz
Happy Rhodes -- Building The Colossus
Icicle Works -- Icicle Works
Information Society -- Peace & Love, Inc.
Inspiral Carpets -- Revenge Of The Goldfish
Jars Of Clay -- Much Afraid
Jars Of Clay -- Jars of Clay
Jellyfish -- Bellybutton
Jon and Vangelis -- The Friends of Mr. Cairo
Kate Bush -- The Sensual World (Single)
Kate Bush -- The Sensual World
Leonard Cohen -- The Best Of
Letters To Cleo -- Aurora Gory Alice
Lindsey Buckingham -- Out of the Cradle
Metallica -- Black Album
Metallica -- The Unforgiven II (Single)
Modern English -- After The Snow
Neneh Cherry -- Raw Like Sushi
R.E.M. -- The Great Beyond (Single)
Roy Orbison -- King of Hearts
Rush -- Power Windows
Rush -- Test For Echo
Sarah Brightman -- Dive
Seal -- Crazy (Single)
Shona Laing -- South
Tasmin Archer -- Great Expectations
The Afghan Whigs -- 1965
The Afghan Whigs -- Black Love
The Alan Parsons Project -- Ammonia Avenue
The Alan Parsons Project -- The Alan Parsons Project - Master Hits
The Alan Parsons Project -- The Time Machine
The Blue Nile -- A Walk Across The Rooftops
The Church -- Sometime Anywhere
The Church -- Somewhere Else
The Cure -- Mixed Up
The Cure -- Bloodflowers
The Escape Club -- Dollars And Sex
The Fixx -- Calm Animals
The Heads -- No Talking Just Head
The Moody Blues -- Long Distance Voyager
Thomas Dolby -- Silk Pyjamas (UK Single #1)
Toad the Wet Sprocket -- In Light Syrup
Toni Childs -- The Woman's Boat
Toni Childs -- Union
Tool -- Lateralus
Urge Overkill -- Saturation
Various Artists -- Tower Of Song: The Songs Of Leonard Cohen
Various Artists -- Smash Alternatives
Various Artists -- Tame Yourself
Various Artists -- The Saint Movie Soundtrack
Various Artists -- Best Of British
Various Artists -- The Narada Wilderness Collection

NINE DAYS

Today marks nine days without caffeine. I'm feeling great! I experience only minor and infrequent headaches. I wake up SO MUCH easier in the morning, and my energy level throughout the day is much more stable. This is awesome!

Of course, it's tough to drive past Starbucks in the morning and not stop for a grande and a scone. The physical cravings are easier to vanquish than the psychological ones. And earlier this week I was feeling incredibly demoralized. I think that was a combination of work chaos and off-kilter brain chemistry (caffeine lifts your spirits in the short term). But yesterday and today were the polar opposite, so there's hope.

On the weight side, no good news yet from the scale, but I am getting to the gym more frequently (six of the last seven days). Also, today I counted my calories. I didn't restrict my food, but I wanted to know how much a "normal" day represented. I came in around 1800 kcal -- which should help me lose weight slowly without feeling deprived. This reinforces the notion that I need to concentrate on improving my daily habits (like avoiding free food at the office) and not on dieting or specific workout programs. I think I'll try counting once or twice a week to help train myself to eat properly.

DAY FOUR

Day four with no caffeine.

You often hear that caffeine stays in your system for no more than six hours. That's an oversimplification, but even if true, it doesn't tell the whole story. The body adjusts to the presence of caffeine. Caffeine constricts blood vessels, so when you stop it, the blood flow into your brain increases. That's the headache. Caffeine also stimulates the bowels, so take it away and the "elimination train" come to a halt. To keep things moving you need to take extra fiber. That's the phase I'm in right now. I also find I need frequent naps during the day. I think this is due to my brain re-calibrating its response to adenosine, which is the naturally occurring "time to sleep" chemical masked by caffeine.

I'm sleeping better at night, though. I wake more easily in the morning, refreshed, and that's more than worth it.

NO CAFFEINE DAY 2

Today is my 2nd full day with no coffee. I timed my detox for the Thanksgiving break, when I wouldn't need to put any demands on my brain.

Yesterday we drove up to Orlando to spend Thanksgiving with Gail and her family. We know Gail from our time at Universal, and Turkey Day at her place has become an annual event. It was nice seeing her, but sans coffee I definitely wasn't at my best. My head was pounding by the end of the evening. I also hurt my back last week and it's been slow to unknot itself. I made Eric drive part-way home, and I slept.

Today was better for me. The withdrawal headache was more distant. I left plenty of time for napping, and I got in a workout.

30 days with no coffee, then I'll see how I feel. That's the goal.

SWEET NECTAR OF PRODUCTIVITY

Yesterday was my first day of cold turkey from coffee, and wouldn't you know it, it lasted all of five hours. I returned to the office from a jobsite meeting and made a beeline for the autodripper. Anyone standing in my path would have been injured.

Caffeine, thou art a harsh mistress!

Work and caffeine withdrawal are incompatible. I think I'll try it again over the Thanksgiving weekend, when if my brain shuts down I can (hopefully) just ride it out.

I was looking up all this stuff last night before bed. Some studies show that even small amounts of caffeine in the body can suppress delta wave sleep. I read that caffeine has a half-life of about six hours. In other words, it takes six hours for half of the caffeine to be processed. (Not sure about this one, since the liver should have a maximum processing speed independent of dosage.) Taken together, this tells me coffee taken first thing in the morning can still screw up my rest that night, even if I appear to be getting perfectly good sleep. Something more: alcohol also suppresses delta waves, which leads to a double whammy. Not only does it have the same affect as caffeine but it consumes the liver's processing capabilities, keeping the caffeine in my system longer! So no wonder I've been having trouble with two or three cups of coffee during the day and a cocktail or two at night. (I gotta tell my Dad about this. He packs away the Manhattans at night "to help him sleep".)

So back away from the alcohol (in process). Back away from the caffeine (harder, but still do-able).

I had a counseling session last night after work, and I was particularly frazzled going into it. I made a comment about a Pachisi game I saw sitting in her office, and she asked me if I wanted to play. I did, so we sat on the carpet and played Pachisi while we talked about all this stuff. It was a nice change of pace. She believes that the sleep issue is major and I should attack it first. I agree. I need to start seeing a new psychiatrist to discuss all the chemical issues.

SLEEPY AND HEAVY

I stepped on the scale this weekend for the first time in two months, and boy did I get some bad news. I'm over 190 lbs at 30% body fat. I literally can't remember the last time I was this heavy. It may be an all-time record. So I'm distressed and trying -- mostly suceeding -- to not hate myself.

Last week I called my doctor about my sleep study. I heard back that the test showed no sleep apnea. They refused to fax or mail me the results (note to self: get new doctor), but I swung by his office this morning to pick up a copy. Interesting, and now that I've had the chance to read the report a couple of times and look up some terms on the internet, I feel like it was money well spent.

I had 4 obstructive apneas and 8 hypopneas during the 7.3 hour the test. This is well within the normal range, so a CPAP machine wouldn't help me. This is good to know. The test confirmed "mild snoring" (their mild/severe calibration must be different than Eric's). It recommended weight loss and avoidance of alcohol prior to bed for both problems. I've been doing well at avoiding alcohol, and this is just more incentive (as if I needed it) to lose weight.

Here's something interesting: I had no time in Stage 3 or Stage 4 sleep. Zip. Nada. These are the deepest sleep stages, and according to some, the most restorative. I had gobs of time in Stage 2 but never went deeper.

So what could cause this? It could have been just a bad night, but without spending another $1,000 I won't know for sure. Or it could be my Strattera or Lexapro. After the sleep test I looked up some of the side effects of both, and some people report sleep problems on Strattera that mirror my own: shallow sleep with periods of wakefullness throughout the night. I tried about a week with no Strattera. I think my sleep did improve, but I also noticed a return of some of my anxiety issues at work. So I'm back on the Strattera. Or, it could also have something to do with caffeine. I've gone on ad nauseum on here about my attempts to get off coffee, and I know from previous research that caffeine diminishes Stage 3 and 4 sleep, also known as "delta" sleep because that's when the delta waves show up.

What does all this mean? Well, I'm already cutting back on the alcohol. Just need to keep that up. I'm currently working at improving my eating habits. One of the most important is staying away from "free calories" -- which is mostly the ever-present junk food in the kitchen at work. This is so hard for me! I'm also trying to get to the gym much more regularly, even if my workouts aren't that intense. I'm trying to establish the habit. Then there's the "nuclear option": calorie counting. I haven't wanted to go back to this, since I consider it an obsessive behavior, but it is probably the single most effective strategy I have ever tried. Gotta keep pondering this. Maybe I can try a day a week and see how that goes.

As for my delta sleep, it seems pretty obvious: quit the coffee. No fooling. Drop it. Stay off it for a month and see how I feel then. I can always start drinking it again later if I want to. I think it's better to stop the caffeine than the Strattera, since I belive the Strattera is helping me in other areas of my life. Maybe I should start a sleep diary so I can measure the effects of my experiment.

Gosh, how do non-engineers deal with this crap?

SLEEP TEST

So I had my sleep test last night. It was supposed to be Friday instead, but my doctor's office was retarded and, long story short, I had it done Saturday at a different facility that was closer to home and $200 cheaper. Guess I can't complain too loudly. :-)

A sleep lab is a strange mix of hospital and hotel. Nice comfy bed, wallpaper, carpet, TV cabinet, blinking machines and electrodes. They kept the place at 67 degrees. Brrrrr! Eric and some friends were making jokes about studying for my sleep test but, wouldn't you know it, I had trouble falling asleep last night. I can't blame it on all the wires trailing off my scalp. It was more like performance anxiety. It was important to get to sleep so of course I couldn't. My thoughts were racing -- something that happens from time to time but is far from my biggest problem. The tech told me I didn't get to deep sleep until about 90 minutes into the test.

They didn't try a CPAP machine on me. They only do that if you stop breathing a certain number of times in the first two hours, and apparently I didn't. She wouldn't tell me if I did stop breathing or give me any real hints, so I don't know yet if sleep apnea is a problem. I'll have to wait for my doctor to get the results.

She ended the test about 4:30 and woke me up. I got out of there around 5 and called Eric to pick me up. (He had borrowed my car to ferry Dean and Mike around town.) We came back home and I finished sleeping with all four mammals in the bed.

And naturally I slept like a rock. I should have brought Buzz to the test with me so I could have curled up next to him.

I've started getting counseling again. I made an appointment with Priscilla a month or so back when it was clear I wasn't dealing with work stress very well. This isn't the crushing depression I had a few years back. I just felt I needed an outside opinion.

We were talking last week and I was relating my difficulties. It's hard to multi-task like I need to, to portion out my time and stay alert through the day. Finally she asked me if I was getting enough sleep. To her, I just sounded exhausted. We decided I was logging enough bed-hours, so the next obvious question: am I getting enough quality sleep.

Long story short: I'm scheduled for a sleep apnea test tomorrow night. The symptoms: I'm consistently tired throughout the day, I snore loudly, and it takes me forever to get my ass out of bed in the morning. I'm overweight (though I'm not as large as your typical "bear"). I wake up several times a night. I've been drinking alcohol (successfully scaling back from that, though).

I'm really looking forward to the test. If I'm suffering from this I want to know it. It's very treatable, and I'd KILL to have more energy during the day (the morning supply of virgin's blood isn't doing it anymore).

The only drawback is my health insurance excludes sleep disorders. Pissed me off. "We'll cover your hang nail, but you're on your own regarding your INABILITY TO GET REST!" Bastards. Oh, well. At least Eric and I can afford it.

Stay tuned.

THE PRESTIGE is one of the best movies I have ever seen. It takes the audience seriously. Go see it.

I printed my novel out today. I stopped by Office Depot and picked up some colored paper (mustard) and a three ring binder to hold it all. Then after the workday I printed all 250+ pages of it.

Why? Well, I want to work on it again. I haven't really done much on it since the workshop this summer. I figured that having it as a hard copy would help make it accessible to me. Within easy reach, to pick up and read through. Grab a chapter. Re-write it. Take a chapter here, an earlier one there. Having the novel as a physical object will help remind me just how much effort I've put into the thing, make is feel more concrete.

I have to say that looking at it makes me feel proud. Sure it's unpolished, but it's not unfinished. The whole story is there. I could be done done done if I just get back into it.

Why use colored paper? I figure that as I re-write a chapter, I'll print it on white or some different color. This will help me see at a glance how much I've completed on the novel.

As I've said, I hate being the guy with the unfinished novel. Polishing the novel to a point where I can send it out or share it with my friends is so close. I want to go to the workshop next summer, and I want to have that novel sitting with an editor somewhere.

NON BLOG

Sorry I haven't been blogging in so long. I've been busy as all get out, and once you get out of the habit, it's tough to get back into it. I'll try to blog more.

So much going on here. Please stay tuned.

REVENGE OF THE LOBSTER PEOPLE

So I did try the tanning salon again Tuesday night. This time, the counter chick was less helpful than the one on Sunday -- less help almost to the point of being rude. I've half a mind to write a letter to the salon's owner to critique her customer skills. Any way, my first session was 12 minutes and it went reasonably well. For several reasons I did a full 20 minutes Tuesday night, thinking my Sunday session would protect me from burning. Well, wrong. I actually did burn this time, getting a solid lobster red along my stomach, legs and back.

The worst part is that the tanning lamps hit me unevenly. I'm not really sure why but my torso was exposed only up to my pecs and not really above that. The end result is that I look like I'm wearing a valentine-red bustier. This, of course, is not exactly a flattering look, especially when I wanted to de-emphasize my man-boobs! Ugh. Suffice to say that I'm not showering at the gym for several days!

I made it all the way through my in-box this weekend. Hooray! Nothing earth-shattering in there but it's nice to have it processed. Maybe I can get a few projects / non-critical items done tonight.

Up at 4:30 this morning to get to the gym by 5:00. This gets me to work at 7:30 after a 90 minute workout. I like this schedule but getting used to a 4:30 wake time is difficult. It also cuts down on my time with Eric, since I try to get to bed by 8:30. Sheesh -- I know ten-year-olds who get to stay up later!!

I tried a tanning salon yesterday. This is part of a generalized effort on my part to try new experiences, plus I'm thinking a tan might make me feel a little better about my body (the farmer's tan looks dorky). Not bad, though I'm a little lobster-colored this morning and I've got some severely unnatural tan lines. I'll go again Tuesday (my first session was half as long as normal to judge it's effect on me) and try to move around this time to even out the radiation.